I must be a glutton for self inflicted torment.
The truth is I had given up on finding a "love", " partner". My entire goal these past years, the purpose of isolating myself was to remove myself and my family form the toxicity of Che.
I was looking forward to just being with my family without the stress and worry/drama of dealing with Che or any man. I just wanted "peace". The peace of just "being". I was completely content and resolved to spend the rest of my life "solo". I had no interest in romance or even a sex drive. I had completely locked myself up. And I was OK with it. Between dealing with my son's incarceration, the constant conflict Che seemed to thrive on, the depression and anxiety and the increase of seizures and the deterioration of my body... I wanted to just be left alone. Solitude was the goal.
I didn't want the 'headache" of dealing with anyone else's feelings other than myself and my children. I was/am still so tired of 'smoothing feathers". I have always been told..."Jenn, your're so polite..even when you're angry." I have always thought of how the other person would feel by what I said... And , I have become extremely tired of it. Because, you know what??....NOBODY thinks of my feelings, or how their words affect me!!!
I swear, I end up from one extreme to another... I went from toxic, constant conflict, revolving arguments that really had no solution or ending, because that's how Che like doing things... Bitches like a bitch... Bringing up old shit that can't be corrected, has been apologized for, jumping to conclusions, reading something wwwaaayyyy out there out of simple conversation.
To feelings of awe, happiness, enjoyment. Light ignited within, ease comfort.. to being thrown for a loop every couple of days with the...'wasn't it better when we were just friends?" No love stuff/jealousy stuff to deal with?"... The ..."I knew if I had sex with you, it would complicate things. That's why I didn't want to. (I'm the bad-guy, cuz Dood woke up my sex drive)... Communication awesome, open, to holding back and assuming things... to running with the "possibility" of things happening in the future. Basically, being afraid to embrace what has been thrown in our laps...
Don't get me wrong...just like him, I've been burned/hurt/crushed as well. He has even remarked about it and the fact I'm "still standing". But, I just don't want to live with the regret of "what if" , "should've been brave". Yes, it's a risk of getting destroyed again. But, hey... I already know I can handle my own company, and I have been dealing with grief/depression/stress for 4 years all by my lonesome...I can do it again. Yea, I'll hurt and cry...but...at least I took the risk and experienced a glimpse of happiness for a bit...
Now instead, of constantly being ready for conflict/controversy/defending myself...I am in a position of "fighting for my happiness" with this person. He truly is an AWESOME man. His light is amazing. I understand his hesitancy/fear... but he refuses to just go with it. Yea..."self-preservation"... I get it. And yes, I did mess up... I tried/lied about something.
Well...I guess that just answered all this angst, huh???....... He is forever going to use that against me.
Well...Fawk!!! I guess.... I should just give up...
Somehow, I need to figure out how to turn off my love/emotions. I need to reprogram myself back into hermit mode. He tries to insist I will find someone "even better than him"... Dood just doesn't get it...even if I did, I don't want it anymore...cuz It Isn't about finding somebody else...it's about HIM.
I haven't felt good feelings/emotions for a long while, until I connected with him. Now, I have to learn how to turn them off, and accept it isn't meant for me. I am honestly ok to live out the rest of my time solo/with my pets and family. That is NOT the problem. The problem is....Being allowed to feel that kind of peace and joy and happiness and contentment with him, just to have to let go.
My Sunshine is out of reach.
It is what it is...
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