Lonely

It has been a long while since I've been able to login and vent. Once again, so many things have happened. I am currently residing in a domestic violence shelter with my children. I have literally LOST EVERYTHING. It has been a roller coaster of drama, heartache, dread, fear and helplessness/hopelessness. I'm not even sure as to why things escalated btwn F and I. I can't pin point the exact turning point. I do know that his addiction has played a significant role in everything. He has blamed my vices for everything that occured. Yet, all the while, he had been hiding an addiction of his own. Because, he felt/told me, my habits were the main cause, I took the initiative to remove habits and persons to show how much I was dedicated to him/us. I owned my faults and behaviors.. Yet, he never accepted/believed and continued to blame and accuse me. Nothing I did was ever enough or even the truth according to him. He became a literal Jekyll and Hyde. I have fought so hard. I accepted his verbal, emotional, mental and eventually physical abuse. I continued to forgive him. I'd do everything I could to keep peace. He physically hurt me the night before Thanksgiving. And it hasn't been the same since. I went back for a while, but then stayed away beginning the week of Christmas. Deep down, I know it will never work. He isn't willing to work on himself in order to overcome issues and grow. He always goes for the jugular in everything. He really goes from "I love you, I miss you, I can't lose you."... to... "you're a whore, I started sleeping with someone else. I'll never believe you. I don't want you". within minutes or 24 hours. And it hurts so much. I do get angry and fight back. Then I'm back in my feelings and tears..And then he blocks/discards me and that really sets me off. I don't know why I feel the need to go psycho and tell him off when he does that. It ends up making me feel frustrated/lost and pathetic. Why do I still cry over this man? What is wrong with me? I need to make myself truly LET HIM GO. He swears that I have cheated on him multiple times. Says he knows when I get lonely I will seek out other men. I have NEVER cheated on him. NOT EVER. I have literally isolated myself to the point I don't have anyone to talk to/hang out with. I chit chat on social media, but I don't connect or flirt or attempt to build romantic relationships or even "hook up". I always feel like Eyeore... I feel nobody would even want to chat or hangout with me because my mind is like a scratched record and stuck on HIM. I constantly think of him. I constantly wanna talk about him and cry about him. Nobody wants to be around that nonsense. I don't want to be "that chick". My depression has hit bottom hard. In all seriousness, I can make myself care for my children...but for myself?... I hate being like this.