Exhausted...

Is it wrong to feel so tired, EXHAUSTED....Is it weak?? I feel like a complete failure/loser... Why??... Because...I have made really DUMB CHOICES...and I am paying the consequences now...And I am so tired... It's really embarrassing. Honestly, there is NO other name/title for my actions... Because, the truth is....I saw...I KNEW... and yet,...I STILL continued with the "Ohkeydoke"... I slipped right into the frame of mind..."he'll change". I know it will work out. "How can I abandon him??"... I can't hurt him... It's the addiction.... I can love him thru this. ... "I promised him I'd never give up.".. I'd cover up for him. I know the signs... I know the patterns... I know the psyche... Grew up in violence.

How in the heck did I allow myself to become embedded and broken?... I am stronger than that. I KNOW I AM... I have proven and shown my strength before. I HAVE HELD MY OWN. i have even physically protected myself against men and dominated.

HOW did I allow myself to be brought so low? HOW!!?? How did I ALLOW myself to be abused mentally, emotionally and physically?

In some ways, I Do know how it came about. But, I feel...despite the "reasons"... it is still inexcusable... Why do I feel so down about myself. I know I've been heartbroken and sad since I was discharged from the hospital without my twins in 2016.

At first he, lifted me. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He made me feel beautiful and sexy. He made me feel like I mattered.... But.... then....it all changed. Instead of him loving me, he allowed me to take the fall with his sisters for his behavior... he allowed them to believe I "made/caused" his addiction/behavior... All of sudden, I was a nigger, I was ugly, a whore, a coke head, psycho, etc....

It became routine to be told he loves me, wants to marry me, etc...and literally within 5-10 minutes...complete opposite... I'm nothing. Kill myself. Not good enough. Accused of stepping out constantly. Belittled because of MY habit...yet.... he NEVER kept his word. He NEVER stopped communicating/flirting with those I had issue with. But...I was trash if I communicated with those HE HAD ISSUE WITH....

It became routine to be told he loves me, wants to marry me, etc...and literally within 5-10 minutes...complete opposite... I'm nothing. Kill myself. Not good enough. Accused of stepping out constantly. Belittled because of MY habit...yet.... he NEVER kept his word. He NEVER stopped communicating/flirting with those I had issue with. But...I was trash if I communricated with those HE HAD ISSUE WITH.... I am always the psycho...Nevermind that it is/was his treatment that caused my reactive behavior.

I never realized he was a Narcissist. For some odd reason, I started getting reels about narcissistic behavior/relationships on Facebook... I now realize....he and I will NEVER be...We will NEVER have the peaceful, loving, supportive relationship I have envisioned between us.

I hate that i feel heartbroken. I hate that I miss him. I hate that I dream of him. I hate that I have no interest in anyone else. I hate that I don't even want to pursue anyone else. I hate that my inner naughty girl stays hiding, she only perks up with want and thoughts of him. I HATE I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CUT/TURN OFF MY HEART/MIND/EMOTIONS FOR HIM...

I NEED PEACE... I KNOW NOW...I WILL NEVER KNOW PEACE WITH HIM. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WISH IT. I'M SO TIRED OF THE MIND AND HEART GAMES. WHAT REALLY IRKS ME IS THAT I FREAKING "KNOW" IT'S ALL A GAME... I CAN PREDICT HOW THE CONVO WILL GO WHEN I AM THE ONE TO 'VENT"... HE ALWAYS STARTS HIS MESS WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING/GETTING HIGH OR ENTERTAINING OTHER WOMEN. AND HE DOESN'T REALIZE HE HAS A PATTERN.

TRUTHFULLY, IT'S ALMOST COMICAL. THE THINGS HE THINKS, HAS CONVINCED HIMSELF OF.... IS TRULY RIDICULOUS... AND YET...FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS, I HAVE SOOTHED, BOWED DOWN AND DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. LITERALLY,

EVERYTHING................EVERYTHING....

THAT I HAVE BOUGHT EITHER FOR HIM OR MYSELF HE HAS DESTROYED. EVERYTHING....

YET, HE ALWAYS DEFLECTS AND ATTEMPTS TO GASLIGHT ME WHEN i LET LOOSE MY VEXATION AND HURT....

I AM TIRED................