Honestly???....I feel like the biggest FOOL and CRYBABY...A Generation X "child"...cuz...it sure does NOT seem I have gained any "KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM...COMMON FREAKING SENSE, SELF-WORTH"... in all my 48 years of roaming this planet/dimension...
Honestly...???.... What IS my Issue???/Deal??? I have seen and experienced so much "ish" since I made my "debut" in this realm...L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y.... Why have I taken the "Healer/Referree/Comforter/Solution-Finder...even tho I was a CHILD/ I'm not supposed to "break down"...or "fight back"...just accept all the ugliness//derogatory/judgemental/demeaning words the people I love speak to my face....the people that should love me "unconditionally/faults and all as I love them/ folks that should WANT to protect me/fight for me/stand and fight by myside.../supposed to help me grow...help me dig myself out of the "gunk/funk/ink" as I would for them....
When will I learn that ...NOBODY is obligated to love ME the way I love THEM... When am I gonna learn...to " STOP expecting ME/My love/devotion/support, etc" from others?... To accept the fact, that I do NOT need "MY SIDE" to be heard when others disrespect/degrade/gaslight/deflect on me... When will I learn to put ME before others??? To STOP trying to "heal" them and attempting to do all the healing work for them and then being butt-hurt when they abandon me despite all I've given...
I may NOT have been able to give "monetarily/materialistically/financially... but my love and devotion WAS felt... The fact my love is given with NO CONDITIONS/JUDGEMENT...but because of THEIR fear...I am Lashed out against, disrespected/ gaslighted...JUDGED.... all the while...NO judgement or inspection of THEIR behaviors and actions are called upon...or if even If they were brought too light...all effort is poured into the action of deflecting and placing blame/responsibility on another.
To be 'CONTINUALLY'.... played with...To CONSTANTLY wonder if/when whatever I say...will all of a sudden trigger his CRUELTY, VERBAL/MENTAL ABUSE...MINDFU*K GAMES... Them thinking you'd never catch on to the pattern of his behavior.... For someone to TWIST every SINGLE effin thing...for someone, to call you out on YOUR, "mistakes/issues."....yet NEVER acknowledge THEIR "BEHAVIOR/ACTIONS/LUNACY"...Only YOU are the Psychopath, the one with issues..UNFAITHFUL, ETC....
That NO matter, how thoroughly and completely selfishly shown/demonstrated your devotion...you are BELITTLED/ NOT BELIEVED/JUDGED AS SOMEONE OF LOW MORAL AND CHARACTOR...YET.... if...THEIR actions were to be shown in the light...your "supposed" trangressions would NOT compair to their NONSENSE, DEFAMATION, DESRESPECT, ABUSE...are NEVER...shown to outsiders...
Therefore comes in the desire, to make sure you are heard....It is so hard to NOT need to have your say against what is sspoken against you... And yet,,,,they find a way to make it seem that "YOU'" are unhinged/luunatic...they have a way of convincing others' of their "innocence"... AND IT FREAKING HURTS... And the really other "effed up" part is... You STILL love this person...You hurt so much...you miss this individual..not just their presence, but their "essence"..them just being there..the laughter, sexyness. love-bonding, the enjoyment of "THEM"... and tthey USE your sentiment against you. As if...being a good, loving/imperfect soul...is something, unworthy of acknowlegedment, love returned, compassion, etc....because...you
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