I know it has been a while since I've posted...I apologize. The truth is...I have had a LOT thrown my way. I have had to deal with a crap load of stuff and I know it will take me a while before I am able to get y'all completely up to date. I will try tho...
I haven't even scrolled down to see where I left off. But, I calculate it has been 6mos + since my last entry. Soo...........
Hmmm....where should I begin?.......... Have I told y'all about the incident where the "Sisters" now Hate me? ...Because the one night that I HAD to leave him, I was worried cuz he swore he only had heartburn, and my over-reactive ass thought the worst...You see, I KNEW he would sleep late, but when 5pm came around and he still hadn't "woken up" or "responded to me" I began to panic... Little did the sisters know (as well as myself)...when I had left him that night...he had continued to "party"...and party with strong stuff... And he let me take the fall for it too...And still........I stuck by him. Then come Thanksgiving time....he was supposed to spend Thanksgiving Eve with me and the girls and help us prep for Thanksgiving... Instead...he provoked a fight...then proceeded to ignore me for almost a week.. Turns out .... he "partied" that entire time...Even made his sister hand over the savings he had been putting aside to finance the ugliness... Once again...somehow...I am the "Bad Guy" ... the "Bad Influence"...
Then.... somewhere around Christmas...HUGE blowout... to the point, he demolished my computer workstation... and because, I finally "spoke/chatted online with a co-worker, who lives in Florida and an Ex (who owed me money)... I am the one that caused all the ruckus...Nevermind the fact, that during the ENTIRE time he and I were talking/developing a relationship...HE...had been talking with other women and even making plans to hook up with them. Yet...NOTHING that he read during the computer incident (forgot to mention he had taken my phone and kept it and read all the texts/msgs, etc) even came close to his behavior...yet somehow...I am the UNTRUSTWORTHY ONE... HE WILL NEVER TRUST ME!!! OR ANYTHING I SAY/TELL HIM...
Some how, some way , he "gaslights" and tries to turn the fault on me!!!... Any time we argue or fight...I'm the Witch (I have pagan tendencies)... I go out, I hang out, I have "bisexual" tendencies, yada yada yada... Forget the fact that the things he says to me dig deep hurt and infuse doubt in MY heart. Nevermind, that YES....ONE time I did lie and try to cover up something... (I shouldn't have because, what I did...was during the 1st time he completely tried to eliminate me from his life for a MONTH, with no explanation, no reason and every Sunday, he'd msg and tell me he loved me, and he is tired of staying away..)
He constantly tries to "Not love me".."Not feel"..."Not commit". .. Yet, somehow, I end up being the one in the wrong...
Please excuse me while I attend to "Mommy Duties"... I shall return..............
Truth be told....I am at a crossroads....the "woman in me" knows, I should just throw in the towel. Yet, the broken woman in me, the one in love with this individual...can't seem to cut ties. Typical, "abusive cycle" syndrome. We have both put each other thru some mess this past year. I lied to him once. And according to him I betrayed him by conversing thru msgr with a male co-worker. Yet, I never flirted with anyone. I never eluded to leaving him to be with another. Yet, he has done just that. And everytime we argue...he is so quick to block me on all platforms. And he repeatedly tells me, he "WILL NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING I TELL HIM". So, basically, I'm getting to the point...."why bother anymore?". Nothing I do will be good enough. He purposely sabotages any headway we make. He believes, another 6 mos and it will be done. The truth is, I totally feel like I'm stupid. I'm allowing this man to hurt me.
Am I so desperate to have love in my life? Am I that fuckin broken? This dude switches up the way dudes say females switch up on moods. One second, I'm the love of his life, he needs me, can't imagine his life without me...the next...I'm a witch, bitch, leave him the fuck alone, etc. I get whiplash with this shit. And I am the one that has been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/seizure disorder. I say I'm hurting...and it's "omg babe, please be ok, do I need to come home?" and then within a few minutes it's "Fuck you, you bitch."
WTF? Like ... what the actual Fawk???... I'm so tired. So very tired. I was denied SSI...In order to really qualify...I need to NOT work for at least a year or more...And he encourages me to rely on him...How can I? If I don't know if he's gonna stick around? He won't even sleep in the bedroom with me. Because, it makes him "feel" and it's overwhelming. He's "afraid" to give his all and love me. WTF?
This life has just been a rollercoaster to say the least....And though, I can/could complain...Why? It is what it is. Majority of the decisions that I MAKE, are the result, right? So what can I do???..... LEARN from them obviously... Now, don't get me wrong, I am still flawed, so the lesson that was intended may not stick the 1st, 2nd, or eve 5th time around...but "hey, I may be a slow learner". But I WILL eventually get there. I need to learn how to speak forth positive for myself. And believe positive for myself. Just as I believe a positive outcome for others, I need to learn the same positive outcome CAN apply to me as well............
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