A lot has happened since my last post. I am not sure if I mentioned earlier that I ended up having to live in a domestic violence shelter with my children in Feb 2023.
I haven't seen him since then. He hurt me. He physically hurt me. And like a dummy I stayed. But he's so far gone in his addiction.. Yes.... I didn't want to let him go even after that.I keep communicating with him even though he constantly goes hot and cold and blocks/unblocks me. Love bombs me and then swears doesn't feel love, attraction, concern/connection.
He SAYS he's clean n working 2 jobs. But, I don't believe him at all.. When he unblocks me he tells me to be positive, yada yada. Acts like everything is FINE. Like our relationship these past years didn't happen and we're "homies". WTF?!?!
It bothers me so much that even after all the crap he has done/said/destroyed, etc.... I STILL THINK OF HIM CONSTANTLY. I HATE THAT. I HATE THAT I MISS HIM. I swear I HAVE to be psychotic. Deep down I KNOW tht he will never change. We will never have a healthy relationship. I freaking KNOW THIS....
Yet. I still miss him. Think of him. Worry about him. And I still hurt. Something HAS TO BE WRONG WITH ME.
I yoyo... I go thru all that emotion...and then I get angry with myself...cuz I ALLOWED him to treat me like that. I didn't fight back.... I just kept trying to fix everything and love him and forgive. I did ALL the effort. Dumb Dumb Dumb!!!!
I need to let go. Why do I torment myself like this???
Comments