I know I need to be better about posting. Nobody is really reading this...but it helps me to word vomit. Especially since, I literally have no one by my side. Yeah, yeah, yeah.... I'm better off and safer now. And I can honestly say, that this isn't about missing HIM. But the fact is.... I miss ME and I miss having someone in my life. My behavior/speech often suggest otherwise.. But...I can't seem to help it. I WANT love ... but I'm also so very afraid to love someone at the same time. And I get lonely for company.. I am actually extremely comfortable in my own company... But...sometimes... I wish I had a friend. I no longer have friends. I have "associates", people who used to know me, but don't know me now. In a lot of ways...that is my own doing. Pulling away and isolating myself. Began with my son's situation, but it has progressed even more. Especially once I became so "in love,/obsessed/and "needy" towards him. I didn't want to hear anything negative about him. I defended him and did everything I could to make everything go smoothly...even though it was NEVER enough. I know now that I was always walking on eggshells/anxious and doing anything and everything I could . It wasn't until AFTER I left him for real, that I found out it was abuse. Narcissitic, mental, emotional and physical abuse. And I realize now it has left me traumatized. But also angry.. Angry at myself. I feel so ugh... Less than. .. unworthy. Disgusting, and unwanted. And why would anyone want ME for ME anyway??...
In all honesty, I am truly disgusted with myself. I can't seem to shake this bog/depression. It's not the "poor poor me"... it's the even though I WANT to be active and social....I just end up staying in bed. I only "communicate" via the internet, I don't go anywhere except to the store of necessities. Nobody ever visits yet at the same time, I don't encourage company. I know I need help. And not seeking or asking for help is not out of embarrassment... it's just literally lack of wanting to follow thru and put effort. I wake up almost every morning, pumped. That TODAY, I WILL DO SOMETHING, GO SOMEWHERE JUST BECAUSE...or at least get out of bed...and I just end up right back in bed...
I am like a yo-yo...either that or I have ADD... I have highs/lows.. sporadically every day.. some days I'm strictly Eeyore...but at least 3x a week I'm Tigger for about 30 60 minutes and then I'm either back in bed or I'm in bed with tears I can't control. It is as though I'm "zapped" with a remote control. If I was around company, I'm sure they'd get whiplash. As the title of this post states...I get on my OWN nerves, I KNOW that I'd get on other folks' nerves. I can't expect anyone to tolerate me. It's stupid of me to expect someone to deal with me let alone love me!! Estupida!! LoL..
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