It really, finally happened. It's really done. Everything imploded and just dissolved. I did the usual pitiful "me", and backstroked after a few hours...typical. But, then so did he...He did his usual Jekyll/Hyde thing...Love/Evil/Cruel and I just stopped. Like stopped responding. I even blocked and left him blocked. I can honestly say I was partially numb. I didn't breakdown like I usually do. I was angry this time. Hurt and angry. He tried to pull the "since you like to screenshot our conversations, I'm doing the same and my family is saying to just not respond to you.".... yet...he wasn't showing the ENTIRE conversation...he wasn't showing his psycho/bipolar part...he wasn't showing how he would switch up from proclaiming his love and begging me not to give up and thanking me for not giving up and not even 3 minutes later going psycho....he was only showing when he'd act calm when I'd go off. I almost....almost mentioned that...but for some reason...I didn't... I just literally stopped responding. I let him call me "baby girl" even though he knows I hate that cuz he would call that married "stepsister" that was trying to bang him that, and let him say "it's over"...I didn't respond. I just blocked. On text, FB, Insta, TikTok .... I just stopped. This went down on the 29th. I know it may be a bit confusing, I haven't explained all that has transpired in such a short time frame. And believe me, it has been a ridiculous amount of nonsense. In truth, y'all would have gotten frustrated with me for putting up with it. I am frustrated and embarrassed as well.. Yes, I know it has only been a couple of days...so there is still the possibility of me having a crying jag. I feel that sharp/heaviness chest pain I associate with him randomly. Yet, I am amazed that I do not have the desire/ "need" to reach out to him. I do not feel the desperation to cry and beg him to come back, to love me the way I love him. I'm not sure if I am finally on the path of healing, or just numbing and closing within myself. I do know that I am tired of feeling I have to defend myself over every little thing. Over insignificant/imaginary offenses. I'm tired of being made to feel worthless. Granted, I have given that example. I have allowed myself to become so broken in so many ways and I'm disgusted. How did I allow this? What happened to ME? Where did I go? Yes, I have been depressed for years. How have allowed myself to get/let someone get this me this bad that I live this way. How did I become the person that gives and gives and gives and receives NOTHING? LITERALLY NOTHING. Everything I gave, he destroyed. And I mean that. DESTROYED. I have been degraded verbally, emotionally, mentally. I know the game...I've parked others trying to play those games on me with no effort before....brutually.... yet...I allowed this dude to hand me my ass and heart like chow/garbage... What the heck?!....
However....the meltdown....it's coming....I can feel it...I wish I knew how to stop loving someone like flicking a light switch. I don't know how to turn it off. How do you turn off love. Even tho that love has hurt you? How do you stop caring? How is so easy for him? Oh yea....It wasn't real for him like it was for me!!!
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