It's crazy how drastically one's life can change. Either, instantly or gradually...it can catch you by surprise once you realize how different everything in your life is.
This loneliness is something else. I've never had a problem with being my own company. And yet, I find myself wishing I had a "person". I'm really feeling unwanted. Like I don't "inspire" anyone to WANT to put forth any effort in regard to me/my person. I'm not worth getting to know or build any type of possible relationship with. I get proprositioned. I get flirted with. But, then comes the sneaky hands trying to cop a feel. And when I curb that, they seem fine with it and apologize and continue to behave in an appropriate manner. Respecting my boundaries. But when, I allow a kiss or two, become interested...then it's...not ready, can fool around, etc. I don't react crazy...I just say I Understand, no worries...and I step back. I am NOT going to chase/beg/compromise ever again. I may decide to conduct "adult activities with no attachments, but I am not going to pour myself into someone again. I am going to give the same energy they extend.
I can't deny that I feel disappointed even a bit hurt. But, that's how I FEEL. i am NOT going to give them power over my emotions or mind again. I am not saying I am healed or even completely over my Ex. The honest truth is I still hurt and miss him. I know it makes NO Sense whatsoever. My dumb/heartbroken twat self keeps communicating with him and I know I need to go completely NO Contact. We were supposedly going to spend Friday together. But, just like clockwork/ his pattern...he backed out. Deep down, I knew he'd do that. And it hurt. Why do I continue to allow him to have power me? He will NEVER change. He says he wants to be a good man and heal, but the truth is, he will NEVER heal and be a good/better man because he refuses to acknowledge and contront and accept and correct his actions/behaviors. In his mind, it's just easier to not become involved with anyone.
However, when that demon in him pops up, he's quick to say he's moved on, has never loved or wanted me or that he can NEVER be with a woman like me, I'm dead to him, yada yada yada. And I just end up hurt and crying again. I purposely read thru all our old msgs...but it's a toss up. Because, I yoyo between the love/gaslighting/missing him and then do a 180 and try to hold onto the hurt and anger when I come across his vitriol/venom/poison/hate and pettiness.
And then attempting to move on and I end up dealing with that nonsense. I'm not healed. I am afraid to become involved as well. It's been 10 months since my Ex. I am bouncing back and forth btwn moving on completely and hoping he and I will reconcile and he won't ever hurt me again.. Deep in my soul, that is a crock of crap...NOT GONNA HAPPEN,
But is it so wrong to want to receive love and attention and be someone's priority? Is it wrong to want to receive the same energy I give them?
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