In case you're wondering about that pic to the Left... the answer is ...Nope...not always...Unfortunately. And it really hurts when it happens to you. And especially if you are in the older age group, like myself...you are expected to get over it. Let it roll off your back like it isn't a biggie. And you are looked down upon if you are unable to do what is expected. I know that my previous posts have not been "classy" and pretty much down right vulgar. It's quite embarrassing. However, I refuse to delete them. I have to own up to my own foolishness. I have continued to allow this nonsense. I can't blame anyone else except myself. I fooled myself into believing everything would have come into fruition in loving full circle by this time. Despite was shown to me. I continued to blindly believe. I felt that my faith would bring the happiness I foresaw/wanted for me and the relationship. Yep....DENIAL. Yes, I'm feeling heartbroken like a teenage girl. I am wobbling between embarrassment and shame. But anger as well. I am doing my best not post as I have previously. Do I want wild out and wail and rage? Yep...sure do. I feel it sitting on my chest like a boulder. I hurt. Has it all been in mind? Am I really that gullible and pathetic. The only conclusion I can come to is....YES....I Am that gullible and pathetic. At my age, I really should know better. Deep down, I knew it...but pathetically, unrealistically...I "CHOSE" to still allow this treatment and believe in the "make believe". I have much more to release, but I am determined to keep these posts in the correct categories. I have to accept that I am not wanted by the person I want. And, probably never was. And I am really stuck in my feelings. How do I turn this love off? How do I stop from feeling love for someone? Someone who constantly hurts me by playing with my emotions. Who uses my love for him against me me like if we were still in high school. How do I stop myself for allowing it? I have plenty of other situations going on in my life that should/needs to take priority over this nonsense. I realize now, that I am the one doing this to me. I am the one allowing him to treat me that way. But, how do I make myself "grow up"? I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I want to love myself more. How do I turn off the need to not give up . To not give up on him? To turn off the need to prove to him, I will keep my promise to prove to him, I will not give up? Why do I want to keep my promise to someone who, deliberately sabotages, and uses cruel words and my love against me? I don't want to be this big Dummy anymore. I want be the strong, confident, fun woman I used to be.
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