I honestly just realized last week....
I still think of him almost daily...but it's FINALLY not hurting my spirit/heart.
There has been a lot of nights I felt so lonely. I still feel lonely. But, on these particular nights I was specifically missing him. And reminiscing about him/us. (Romanticising our relationship)... It made/makes me feel so unwanted and ugly. But.... whenever I found myself feeling that and wanting him back, I did something....
There has been a lot of nights I felt so lonely. I still feel lonely. But, on these particular nights I was specifically missing him. And reminiscing about him/us. (Romanticising our relationship)... It made/makes me feel so unwanted and ugly. But.... whenever I found myself feeling that and wanting him back, I did something....u know, I know, I know.... you're thinking to yourself..."Why???" or "Let it go already!" Trust me...I understand the frustration with me... I feel the same towards myself...
But, I realized that I no longer feel that deep heartache, heaviness anymore. Don't get me wrong...I'm still dealing with my depression and anxiety and physical issues. However, that deep ache I constantly felt. Being on the verge of tears literally all day. That sadness that was like a vapor that enveloped me were no longer my companions. Yes, I still get/feel lonely. I still suffer thru all the self doubt and mental/emotional, body dysmorphia, etc. But...I am NOT crying out or about him anymore.
I yo-yo or in a more appropriate explanation is bounce from several different emotions and thoughts. I still think of him...but...it isn't the deep, all consuming ache, heartache any longer. I was keeping in contact with him, even up to when I finally moved into housing. I had wanted to see/visit him. And of course at the last minute he changed his mind. And at first, I was like the same easily manipulated female he was used to . But all of a sudden I got really angry. I mean, HEATED!!! It was like it surged from my chest and needed out to burn bright. I knew... whatever, I said would be dismissed. But I didn't care. I just finally laid into him... thru Messenger of course cuz he wouldn't give me his new number. I and just unloaded. That was on September 9, 2023... I saw he blockedn me after he read what I sent. (That was my back up FB acct)... Yet, for some reason, he unblocked my original/main FB acct afterwards. Every once in a while I wonder if he's ok. Truthfully, the thought of him being involved or intimate with another woman no longer breaks my heart.
The Twinkies finally stopped asking about him or even bringing him up. I often wonder how I will feel if/when I see him again. I have no plans to contact him. I can't say I no longer love him. But I can say I no longer want to deal with the drama/ trauma/chaos he brought to the relationship.
And I mentioned previously, I am lonely. I DO wish someone wanted me or liked me. I get offers of "hook ups"... or asked for pics as ways of flirtations... But, I don't want that. I want someone to want me as I want them. I doubt that will ever happen. And If I am being completely honest..... even thought that is what I want... I'm not sure I will be any good for anyone. How do I overcome the insecurities I've obtained dealing with "him". I have nothing to offer a Man at the moment either. I feel so worthless. I don't want to be dependant on anyone again. I am afraid all the time. And I hate it. I wish I was me from 2010. I was beautiful, fun and confident and was able to provide for myself and my children on my own. I had my very own "Girl Power". I want that Jenn back.
Comentarios