Well, I decided to just go ahead and blog about my current soap opera. I’ll just have to organize soon, maybe make a page of blogs for each “thingy” and when ever I blog, I’ll just click on which page that deals with that subject?.. Yeah, that sounds good.
So, back to my being too old… I’m just gonna put it flat out there and if you judge me, JUDGE ME. So this is the deal….I’ve been a relationship with a toxic person for about 5 years. I met him on POF. Gave him a shot BECAUSE he wasn’t from my scene, yada yada… Well...turned out it wasn’t all that. I had actually left him with in the 1st year. Was out of his house within an hour. Had my own apt within 2 wks.. At that time, I was still sexually active...and I didn’t want to play “musical dick”..I just didn’t want to put any effort of hooking up with anyone.. So I let Dood come around… Well…. I ended up pregnant ...at 42!!!!!! WITH TWINS!!!....
I’ll go into that in another entry...So lemme just breeze you thru…
Pregnancy was difficult, found out my 1st born was involved in something that I can’t go into right now, twins had to stay in NICU… Basically, my life exploded/imploded?.... Keep up now, shortly after...life in this so called “relationship” became a nightmare… I can honestly say that I did try….I tried, I tried, I tried.. But...after a while when you realize it’s just a neverending cycle...LITERALLy… things die. Dood, said and did awful things constantly and thought it was ok and I should be receptive of affection directly after...NOT!!!... Accused me constantly...for the entire time, up until January 30, I could honestly say/tell him I wasn’t up to anything “nefarious” (one of his many favorite words)..
It happened so quickly too and easily. Being with this individual literally soothed my spirit. I started smiling again. I felt better physically, emotionally and mentally, talking and hanging with this man that I call my Sunshine. I’m just gonna breeze thru this too, cuz I’m choking up again.. I fell… I fell HARD. I LOVE THIS MAN. Don’t get me wrong, he’s far from perfect. He kept going back and forth about ‘us”. He has his own past, demons as well. I LOVE HIM… We had even begun to talk about getting married. I’ve known him and his sisters since we were children.. Elementary school kids. Well, despite that history, they began noticing he and I communicated alot..ALOT. Now, these sisters had a legit reason to not approve of he and I seeing each other…
I was still in this damn house, and even though the love between the ASS died long ago… everyone still considered us a couple. So reasonably the Sisters didn’t approve.
Well...Fuck it… I’M HURTING!!! I’M HURTING!!! I’M HURTING!!!
He broke up with me yesterday. He even blocked me. It’s killing me. His reasons are basically, I’m a bad influence.. I indulge in things I shouldn’t and because of me, he began to as well. Also, my love freaked him out. He said he had never received the kind of love, affection, communication like mine and it overwhelmed him. HE FUCKING LEFT ME. HE PROMISED HE WOULDN’T. HE PROMISED. He keeps throwing the “you’ll eventually meet someone you click with even better than he and I. WTF!!!! I had no intention of being involved with anyone when I moved out of here. He woke ME up… and now he just threw me away.
Gawd, I’m a fucking idiot!!! Here I am 46 yrs old and I’m crying and heartbroken over a guy like I’m in fucking high school!!!
Why in the F.U.C.K. did I allow myself to believe I deserved happiness and peace and love??? I had been pretty much dead inside, and this Man comes into my life and breathes life into me….And he throws me away!!!
You know what.???... I just can’t right now…. Yeah, I’m gonna go cry my heart out. I know I’m a punk and fool for falling for someone, for thinking I was finally going to have my special person. So...yeah, I’m signing off…. I’ll get back on and organize like I said earlier. I need to do something right??
Apparently, you can still be a dumbass at 46….
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