Feeling lost/abandoned???

You know, I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling at the moment. Because truth be told, I'm feelin' a hell of a lot. Part of me wantst to scream/yell. I can't say cuss because I already cuss worse than a sailor. I wanna curl up and cry. I want to be mean. I want to be left alone. I want to wrap up my babies. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted.

I mean, don't you think at the age of 46, I should be grounded, settled or what TF ever right??? I am just....AAARRRRHHHHHAHAHHAHAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know we hear/say it all the time..."Can't I just catch a break?" Like " COME ON ALREADY!!! FA&*#KKKK!!!!!! "

Ok, sorry...I'm done...Sorry about that folks... 15yr old Jenn was out. You know the over-emotional teenager age.? You KNOW Lol The age when EVERY SINGLE THING WAS FELT TO THE BILLIONS...

Ok, Ok, Ok... Any way...obviously, this isn't about my son. Well, kinda but not really. It's everything... Income, romance (if you could call it that), freakin LIFE.

So...Lemme break it down for ya...

I should be embarrassed about what truthfully brought this on... But, I'll be embarrassed later I guess. Come to think if , Nah... what I'm feeling is ME. So oh well.

I'm just feelin' frustrated with everytihng. I haven't/didn't work for about 4 yrs. Due to the pregnancy and then with the therapy sessions for JF. And depression, just "life" again. I haven't heard from my son in over a week. (He is incarcerated). And I am worried about and for him. I have an "adopted son" (kid that hung out with mine, the boys <even tho they are grown now> still call me Mom/Ma, staying with me. And unfortunately, he has fallen onto the same path that my son stumbled/ran into. So dealing with the same behavior scenarios takes it's toll. It doesn't help the he and my son resemble one another so much. I Love this kid, but boy... I dunno, maybe I'm allowing this as a chance to help him the way I couldn't help my son. Then, there is the "Dood". The Dood that I adore. The connection is amazing. And I'm not talking sex or sex only. Every single time we hung out, cruising....just jamming, talking, joking, just enjoying each other's company and conversation. So Yea, the attraction kicked in... and yea...I was the aggressor.. "What??" ....Judge me if you want to. I'm not ashamed. And maybe when I write about why, the judgement passed will be amended. But even if it isn't.... OhEffinWell.

Even BEFORE the "attraction" part kicked in it was like were "peas & carrots". We weren't romantically involved but we missed each other thru-out the days. Always felt better when we were in one another's presence. Then it got to the point that one day, I felt odd. Shaky, confused..I was in the kitchen when that happened. So I went to sit down and I picked up my phone and for a reason I couldn't understand, I sent him a text asking if he was ok. NO Idea, why or for what reason. (by that time we had admitted we were both interested in each other. Directly after I sent that, I sent another saying, "Sorry, don't know why I asked. Just feeling wonky." ( Wonky is just a word of mine) He responded, 'For real? Cuz I just pretty much rushed out of the house I was working in. I was in the attic, and I got really hot, a frustrated and aggitated!"... "OMG!! You freakin felt me Jenn!!" And so it began.... All of a sudden he could feel when I was upset or whatever and vise-versa.

Yet right at this moment...right FU$%king NOW... I am soooo freakin angry!!!! Mad/pissed TF off, hurt. I want to freakin lash out. And you know what??? I lashed out over the phone...He blocked lol.. WTF?? You can't handle hearing how your own behavior affected someone you "claim" to love? Someone YOU proposed to??? I'm just FLOORED.