It's crazy to me to realize that I haven't physically seen him since December. It doesn;t feel like it's been that long to me. The heartache is still so fresh for me. I yo-yo btwn emotions. Hurt, heartbroken, confused, rage, loneliness, sadness. I realize now he was extremely Narcissistic. Acting like a pathetic guppy by reading all of our texts and msgs (yes, I save everything)... Seeing how he purposely hurt me with his words and actions. Accussing me of behavior HE was actually doing. Claiming his actions were due to MY lies, and MY actions, etc. Making me feel guilty and like trash for wanting to go out once in a while. Swearing that when he and I fight...he KNOWS... I'm "easy"... Constantly, going back on his word. Guilting me about male friends, yet..refusing to disassociate with women I had issue with because he showed me the proof they had history. Or just flat out flirting with other women on the Book. I can now see how he purposely would trigger me.. and keep at it until I "lost it". And then because I'd finally react...I was the psycho and unreasonable, pathetic one. Telling me I was dirt, telling me to die/kill myself, telling me he hopes I lose my children and pets. He literally DESTROYED EVERYTHING...
EVERYTHING I had purchased for him. Not because he asked, but because I wanted to. Give him things I knew he would like. And he'd do his Jekyll and Hyde bit and literally obliterate everything, including my belongings. Break me down mentally, emotionally and eventually physically as well. Call me NI**@, WHORE, F*cK Y*%, can't stand me, can't be with a woman like me. I'm pathetic, worthless...and then within minutes switch back up and want sex. And if he couldn't perform, that's when he'd really rage. That's when he brutalized me physically. Call the cops on me, make them make me leave, knowing I had nowhere to go. Abandon me at night to walk alone.
I talk so much crap to myself...cuz WHY??? WHY DID I ALLOW HIM TO DO WHAT HE DID???? WHY AM I MISSING HIM? WHY DO I STILL THINK OF HIM LITERALLY CONSTANTLY ALL DAY LONG. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
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