Well...Alright, Alright, Alright...Was happenin?? Yea, I'm in an odd mood this evening. Please, either excuse, bear with or....move TF on...
Dang, that was rude...My apologies... I'm normally not such a rude individual. I guess, I can admit that I am in a bit of a combative frame of mind today. It has been a week/weekend of testing my inner peace/tolerance.
First, dealing with the stubborn RamMan in my life and his mental/emotional rollercoaster.. The paranoid/tweaking "adopted son" issues, car malfunctions, and my blasted emotions have surprised me that I haven't LOST MY SHIT!!!!
I can honestly say RamMan is my Soulmate/Forever. I truly believe we are meant to be each other's Final Chapter in our lives. I pray and hope, we will follow each other into another realm once we leave this one. But...FFFFAAAWWWKKKK!!!!! He is testing me!!! But the Universe knows what's it's doing... Patience has never been a virtue I possessed. So even though, the Universe has literally dropped this blessing of each other in our lives, we must still do all we can to prove we want it. Now, the truth of the matter is, he and I have both, lived life, done wrong, and what not.. We've also both have had our asses/hearts handed to us.. Pulverized into ash to be honest. So in a lot of ways, we both are holding onto baggage. There is ONE big difference and similarity btwn us..(besides him being male, and obviously me being female)... Even though I can honestly admit, I AM AFRAID to be hurt again... I REFUSE to allow that fear to prevent me from accepting and experiencing the AWESOMENESS in store for us... He, my RamMan, is holding onto the Fear instead. He does feel the same intensity I feel. And because he's afraid of it, afraid of what "ugliness" can possibly happen. He'd rather try to go back to the "Friends Only" mode. He'd rather return to the loneliness and misery of being alone. He'd rather stay within the self imposed Isolation from social living. And THAT is my battle with him. I admit, all the fears he feels, I feel as well. It boggles my mind tho. He is such a beautiful spirit. He sees light, positivity in all things small and mighty. Yet, just like myself, he cannot bring himself to accept the goodness IN him and accept that, HE is worthy of happiness. We LITERALLY FEEL EACH OTHER. But, lately, he is pulling away more and more. Despite how much it hurts us both. And, it scares me. I know many of you may consider me a weak female, when I say/admit I will accept whatever scraps he throw my way. I want to fight for him. Not just for me and the future I want with him. I want to fight for him for HIM. He is my Sunshine. I wish I could find a way for him to be able to see him thru my eyes/spirit/heart. But, we ALL know....We are OUR OWN WORSE ENEMIES. We fight what our heart/spirit tell us. And listen to all the bullshit our Minds tell us. So his yo-yo, back and forth, no titles, wasn't just being only friends better, stuff drives me beyond my mental and emotional limitations... Yet, I love him. And he is not TOXIC. It's literally his fear of his emotions that set this into play. He isn't hateful, spiteful, mean, manipulative in anyway. When we are together, we feel peace and contentment.
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