I honestly don't even know where to begin. So, I'm just gonna type and let it flows as it comes. If I end up circling around or backtracking, I apologize in advance. Maybe, I'll start by putting a little history/backstory regarding my 1st born. It was honestly never really easy. Not because he was a difficult child. He was the sweetest little guy. All boy... meaning rambunctious, no fear, "i can fly", "look at me Mommy!", Hugs, kisses, comforting child ever. Somewhere along the way, I guess life happened. He absolutely Loved his Daddy. So, basically it is the same ol story...if can't get attention/affection thru good behavior, let's act out and at lease he'll get some kind of attention.
I think, I'm gonna move on from his babyhood, childhood, teen-hood for now and just get to the meat of the situation. I'll revisit the early years as I move along and add more posts. I've actually been avoiding typing this out. I don't know why, I've cried about it for a while. I've screamed to god. I've cried to the point I triggered a seizure. (I've been dealing with seizures for about 14yrs, now).
I became pregnant at 42, with twins...yea...I know....You don't have to laugh...I was in shock to say the least. Especially, since i didn't particularly want to be in a relationship, let alone tied to the father is. That's a whole other post for another time...
Anywho, before I get too far ahead of myself, First let me inform y'all that my son by that time is 22yrs old and was dealing with bipolar disorder as well as addiction to pills, shrooms ane whatever else is out there. The only thing I didn't have issue wtih was the Cannabis habit. I firmly believe in the natural qualities of it. I guess, I should move this along, huh?... After finding out I was pregnant, I did encounter the "OMG!!! How are you gonna do this?", "I 'd abort if I were you."...
Well, you know what???....They weren't "Me". I couldn't bring myself to do that. My body, my decision. I truly believe all of my children were/are meant to be here. I've "sinned" once....I wasn't going to do that again. I will have to answer for it when my time comes.
Ok, lemme get this out...I'll probably have to do another post in more detail at another time.. "cliff Notes Version"... I grew quickly... Literally... I got huge quick!!! Well, around Easter 2016, while I was checking in for my OBY/GYN appointment, I had a seizure... They admitted me. I ended up missing Easter with my kids. Well, the doctor obviously told me I couldn't work anymore. Everything was ok, little issues here and there, but nothing major... Well, literally the day after my baby shower, I wasn't due til October, but everyone was concerned I wouldn't last even that long ( they were correct ).. I had an appointment with the High Risk clinic as well as with my OB after. Should have known things were gonna go down hill, when my Mom ran out of gas on our way to the appointment. Well, we made it, due to a couple of guys. I forgot to mention a previous Amniocentesis was performed because an abnormality was noticed on Jacob (twin A)...Jacob was a TRisomy 21 baby.... Down Syndrome. Now, during this appointment something concerned the doctors and the decision was made to admit for Mandatory Hospital Bed-rest. Of course, that set my anxiety and emotions off.. --- enter seizure from left stage--. Mind you, this was early July, I wasn't due til October 9th. The goal was to keep the boys baking until October 1st. So, I was alone in a hospital all day and night. Yea, Che (boys father) would pop up at least 3x a week. My Mom would bring my kids at least once a week. And everytime my son saw me, I was hooked up to tubes and wires, uncomfortable/in pain/lonely/emotional. And after each visit, he'd tell me "You better walk out of the hospital alive Mom"... I couldn't get him to understand I wasn't in the hospital because of my health. Seizures were something I'd and have been living with for a while. I was there because the boys needed to be monitored. He never believed me. Without going into a flashback, our lives/relationship hadn't always been easy/smooth. But the love is strong. I'll revisit those times in a different category and at a later date.
On August 28, a good friend of mine paid for me to have a "Preggo Photoshoot" there at the hospital. OMG!!! I was HUGE!!!! lOL, But, even though I had the "preggo face/nose and waddled...I honestly waddled when I walked. I wasn't actually allowed to walk much. I was only allowed to walk to and from the bathroom to the bed, and daily 30 minute wheelchair rides daily. The photoshoot was done in the evening. So I pretty much slept the next day. It took a lot out of me doing that. I loved every minute of it. And even though I was the size of Shamu, I felt beautiful.. Big nose/lips/belly/feet and all.
Well, August 30th, I woke up feeling even more uncomfortable and irritable. I couldn't shake it. Four times with in the previous week, my blood pressure had dropped dangerously low. I would have just fallen asleep and not woken up. Throughout the day, it only got worse. I began having contractions. At first they were trying to stop them. I had barely made 31 weeks, The doctors wanted the boys to bake a little longer. Multiples tend to be smaller at that gestation age. It wasn't meant to be.... Jacob's heartrate dropped too quickly and too low...Emergency
C-Section was gonna go down. The boys were born at 12:01 & 12:04.. Jacob was 3 lbs and Joshua was 4lbs. They were soo tiny. I don't even remember when they sent me into the maternity room instead of my perinatal wing. I didn't like the nurses I had in the maternity ward. I missed my little "cave". The next 24hrs are a blur. I remember being rolled down to NICU to see my "Twinkies".. ( that's what I called them since I found out there were 2 inside me.... Sept 1, I remember Che coming to the hospital and he of course ate all my food again and then fell asleep on my bed, like he'd been doing since I was admitted... So I went down to NIcU to see the boys. But, I couldn't enjoy them. I had that sick feeling like something was wrong. My 1st born had been on my mind for 2 days constantly. And he hadn't text/called me. I knew in my heart it had to do with him. I couldn't shake it. So I did what I always did...started praying out to my Higher Power. To please help him. To protect him from himself and from those that would do him harm. You see, my son had a obsessive love for "molly's", "shrooms" and weed. I had no issue with th weed.. it was the other stuff. He'd always swear, nobody couldn't tell he was high... He never realized It was VERY OBVIOUS. He wasn't fooling anyone. When he was under the influence of those other things, he could barely stand, he slurred. You could get him to do anything. And it frightened me.
I ended up being discharged on Fridday, September 2... Without my Twinkies...They had to stay behind, because they weren't strong enough. The were born 6 weeks early, even after almost 2 months on Mandatory Hospital Bed rest. Che insisted I ride with him to pick up my prescriptions instead of just taking me home...
By the time we arrived to the house I was hurting pretty bad. But that didn't stop me from wanting to have a cigarette. Hadn't had one in soooooo very long.. So, I changed into a big-o comfy moomoo dress... shuffled out to the laundry room/smoking area... Sat down, Lit my cigarette, took a couple puffs, and decided to load up Facebook on my phone..................................
I am not exaggerating when I tell the very 1 post on Facebook...was the Police Chief on video giving a brief. And underneath the video was his dialogue of what he said.... I started reading it......
And then my world imploded on itself...The on Facebook, in the Police Chief's words was my Son's name wanted for Capital Murder committed September 1st around the same time I was outside praying out for my Higher Power/ the Universe to protect my son from those that would cause him harm and to protect him from himself.... My prayer wasn't heeded..........
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