Do you ever catch yourself "unaware"... You know what I mean, right? When all of a sudden your eyes focus and your body jumps a little, like you'd been startled? Just to wonder what you were "daydreaming" about? Or maybe dry your eyes and clean up your face right quick, because you DO know what you were daydreaming about?
I've been having a lot of those lately. I know y'all are probably thinking...."So..." Oh well, I'm getting to it!!! I know I haven't mentioned much of my son's situation yet. I'm getting there little by little y'all. Please have patience. It still cuts deep. I know I have to pick up that thread again. It needs to come out. Just so y'all know, I don't write ahead before posting. I post/write as I go... So whatcha get is really what I'm feeling at the moment.
Lately, random memories have literally been popping up and just playing out behind my eyes in "techno vision", like a movie or clip. I hear his laugh. I swear I hear his voice calling me from the living room. (He's never been to this house).
I daydream and dream out the scenario of his return to me. I can "smell" my baby as we are crushing each other in a hug. I snap out of the dream with tears flowing. And my heart in my throat. Y'all know what I'm talking about... that knot in your throat when something super sappy, heart-wrenching happens on a show/movie you're watching. I mean, I've done that often throughout these years. But lately, it has been even more often and more detailed and more heartbreaking. I don't know what has brought it on like this. Whether, it's because of the LockDown that has been enforced even longer than normal by TDCJ, or because of the "Dood" Situation or feeling frustrated period. One thing that I DO know... it's a deep hurt and grief and loss l feel. I see the beautiful little boy in my mind. I can hear his voice in my mind. His bark of a laugh. I can see the sad little boy. He just wanted his Dad's attention and love so very bad. I see the hurt and angry preteen/teen/young man as well. I fought so hard to keep him going Right. Nothing I or anyone said/tried.. He still went Left. It didn't help that he was deeply infatuated with "Molly", and Shrooms and God knows what else. I would always practically beg him to stick with Cannabis.
I can't begin to tell y'all how much I've cried for my baby. Cuz, if there are any parents reading this...y'all know, they'll FOREVER be our babies despite their "age". Before any of y'all jump to conclusions... No I am NOT the Momma that's hollering in the background or insisting... "Not My BaBy!!!" I am NOT saying he's completely innocent. But, I do know my child well. I know He didn't act alone. And that is all I will say about that at the moment... Patience y'all ... I most definitely WILL speak/blog on that at a later date. Any Who...let's try to get me back on track here. Where was I? Oh yes!!! I'm a big ole CRY BABY y'all. If there was employment opportunities, I'd be banking FR, FR!!!
I am very much aware my blogging style lacks "Professionalism".
It's MY blog / journal / diary
I never intended/intend to utilize it in that manner.
So....Sorry.....Not Sorry
Ok, if y'all are still here, let's continue.. As I was saying a little earlier, these happenings are happening more frequently. I've been more sensitive to people's emotions too. Not just Dood, but almost EVERY-DANG-BODY!!! And lemme tell y'all...it's draining. I'm already dealing with my own heartache. Don't get me wrong, it is a gift in a way, but when your spirit is already low, Instead of being able to assess what kind of energy individuals are projecting, I end up absorbing their energy. Trust me being able to just get a reading off their vibes or being able to absorb some of their of it has it's uses. Sometimes, I'm the positive and if I come across someone with negative emotions, I can absorb some of it and help them out. But when it's my energy that is tired and hurting I'm not able to deflect in that manner. Instead, I end up absorbing THEIR negativity and in turn make myself sick with it. Or just ends up lowering my spirit even more... And Lawd, rivers and rivers of tears are spilt. So basically, I'm being a whiner even now. I really need to figure out how to insert emoji's. They would be very useful for this entry. You know what y'all... I'm gonna go end this day and hopefully when I wake, I'll have been healed up a little bit. I'll touch this post up during the weekend. I thank y'all for reading so far...
Jenn.
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