I know it has been a long while..."AGAIN', since I have posted. I only have myself to blame. I honestly can't remember the last time I posted unless I scroll. And, unfortunately....same topic... DUDE...
I had been living with a friend...I lost my apartment. Couldn't stay with my mother. Found out about 2 months of losing my apartment, Dude had been using Ice. The whole time he'd "hang out/sleep" in the bathroom...I thought he was smoking weed...turned out, he was using Ice. And all the while gaslighting me about my habits. I had to ask folks to foster my pets. One was someone, who I thought was a friend. Come to find out, he had been holding a flame for me for years and I didn't know..yet...couldn't understand I couldn't just "shut off" my emotions. Yes, he was a good guy...but I was still hung up on "Dude"... I knew I couldn't "love" him the way he deserved and I was completely upfront about it. He knew my situation...and agreed to take in my feline...but a few weeks later, even though he knew my situation, he dogged me like Dude...he gave away my feline... The woman I found to foster my canine, was a gift from the Universe. She worked with me completely.. but eventually I lost my beloved Zazu as well...( I'll get to that as we continue).....
The honest truth is...I feel like an IDIOT... All the drama I've been thru since then is because of MY choices... MY stupidity...My naiveity.... MY emotions, .... MY self Illusions.... I say this, not to just down "myself" or to have any one of you tell me.. Naw girl...don't say that, yada yada yada... I'm NOT looking for soothing, for sympathy or even empathy and most definitely NOT for pity... I am GROWN!!! Deep down...I know/KNEW better. I acknowledge my weakness, my faults, my self destructive thoughts, behaviors. I am angry at NOONE...except MYSELF.. i AM ANGRY because I KNOW...that I AM SMARTER THAN THIS... I KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF. i AM AWARE OF MY SELF WORTH....I am angry because I ALLOWED myself to become "THIS"... I have ALLOWED myself to be played, ridiculed, emotionally, mentally and physically abused. YES... I SAID IT....PHYSICALLY ABUSED.
AND I AM ASHAMED.....
I ALLOWED THIS INDIVIDUAL TO BREAK ME...
i ALLOWED THIS INDIVIDUAL TO MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF....
I ALLOWED THIS INDIVIDUAL TO MESS WITH MENTAL AND MY SPIRIT....
I ALLOWED THIS INDIVIDUAL TO COWER ME....
I AM ANGRY WITH HIM....YES...NOT GONNA DENY NOR LIE ABOUT THAT...
BUT I AM MOSTLY ANGRY AND ASHAMED OF MYSELF...
TO BE CONTINUED....................................
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