Lately, I have been out of it emotionally and mentally. Basically in my feelings constantly!!! I keep meaning to type up, but I either end up sleeping or just drinking in the garage by myself like usual..
I confess... I've been pretty self-destructive as well. I have noticed I've had less patience with my children. Rarely do I socialize. Considering, prior to becoming pregnant at 42, mandatory hospital bed rest to monitor Jacob and prevent early labor. Even though they were still born 6 weeks early. And then, literally the day I was discharged without them (they had to stay in NICU)...I get home, change, step out to the smoking area (laundry room), open the Facebook app and the very 1st post on my timeline is of the police chief conference discussing a robbery and murder and...
MY 1ST BORN CHILD IS INCLUDED AS A SUSPECT FOR CAPITAL MURDER!!!!!!!
I can honestly say that my world fell apart as of that moment.
I'm stuck in heartache. YES, I know I have other children that need me. YES, I know that at least he's alive. But, I HURT!!!
My son received the most punishment out of all 4 individuals. And I am angry.
NO, I am not that Mom that says "Not my baby. He's completely innocent!". But the truth of the matter is my son was railroaded. YES, I know and accept he needs to be accountable and pay his penance. But out of all 4 of them... My son was the ONLY ONE who did NOT have a prior violent criminal history, yet he received the most punishment!!
I need to stop right now. I will go into further details at another time.
I haven't been able to speak with him in about 3 months because I have fallen behind on the phone line bill.
I have been crying so much lately.
So dealing with this and a difficult relationship with the twins father, constant physical pain, depression, anxiety and caring for my children has been hard.
My oldest daughter, who is with me is in the autistic spectrum. Her benefits have been discontinued because the doctor said her thyroid levels improved... Uhmmm... She is NOT going to suddenly grow another thyroid!!! Not only does she have autism, learning disability with sociophobia, she had Graves disease and has had her thyroid surgically removed... She's NOT going to wake up one more and not have autism or have her thyroid magically returned. So.. now I'm also having to "appeal" to get her benefits reinstated.
My 13yr old daughter is active with Bible study, choir (3rd chair, 1st time), in the national Honor society, kickball and various other activities.
The twins are a handful as well. Twin A is. Down Syndrome baby. 3yrs old and still not walking or talking. Twin B, highly active. Delayed, but speaking more. Aggressive and mischievous.
I AM TIRED!!!
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